I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
We left the knife in your bed.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
