the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
