I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
