that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
