Please, let me fuck your mom
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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