either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize