She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Randomize
