My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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