Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
