I wish I could teleport
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
my shit smells like andre
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Randomize
