I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Randomize
