Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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