He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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