I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
