Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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