there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
the day after is always just damage control
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
