uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
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