So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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