Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize