If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize