The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
