I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I just gift wrapped bread.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
