The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
