I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
