Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
there is another microwave in the elevator.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
