i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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