Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
