He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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