Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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