i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
