You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
