This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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