Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Randomize
