1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
