I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
