I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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