Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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