Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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