i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
