Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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