There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
