First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Randomize
