Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Randomize
