Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Randomize
