i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
