when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
