Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
