just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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