Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
