Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
