My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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