he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
