Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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