I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
