tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize