Betty ford says i'm here all night
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize