If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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