I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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