You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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