I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
