As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Randomize
