Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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