I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Randomize
