I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
We left an ass print on the piano.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
