What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
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